I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. I used it when I coached a basketball team. Under my tutelage boys will grow into men, from men into gladiators, and from gladiators into Swansons. Categories include:
- Teamwork. Very important. Equally important...
- Selfishness. Take what's yours.
- America. The only country that matters. (If you want to experience other cultures, use an atlas or a ham radio.)
- Cursing. There's only one bad word, "Taxes."
- Haircuts. There are only three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
- Animal Proteins. Four to eight servings daily. Cow, Pig, Chicken, Deer. Fish for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
- Friends. One to three is sufficient.
- Capitalism. God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.
- Skim milk. Avoid it.
- Honor. If you need it defined, you don't have it.
- Facial hair. Full, thick and square. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it.
- Living in the woods. Live off the land.
- Rage. One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.
- Poise. Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.
- Property rights. They exist. Do not let them be taken away from you.
- Frankness. Cut the bullshit.
- Crying. Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
- B.O. Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice.
- Cabins. A place to rest that is made of logs.
- Skim milk. That's right, it's on here twice. Avoid it.
- Masonry. Building walls makes you strong. Defending them makes you stronger.
- Stillness. Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.
- Torso. Should be thick and impenetrable.
- Intensity. Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
- Old wooden sailing ships. They're beautiful.
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